A bit of humor for your week: John Cowan has built a list of 1,000+ “Essentialist Explanations” on various languages. If you’re a language buff it’s worth checking out. Here are a few to get you started.
English is essentially a language that uses vowels no other language would accept.
English is essentially bad Dutch with outrageously pronounced French and Latin vocabulary.
English is what you get from Normans trying to pick up Saxon girls.